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Over the years, I have parted ways with many things – friends, family, girlfriends, cigarettes, junk food – but for as long as I can remember, coffee has been the one constant in my life.

It’s funny how, as I am in this crazy fucking detox thing, I was quite happy to give up things I would never thought I would give up, even for a few days – bread, for instance. Bread is awesome. It’s doughy, (sometimes) white, and lets face it, EVERYTHING is better in sandwich form.

But no, quite happy to leave off the bread (pun intended).

Meat – how good is meat? It’s the only food you have to beat in a fight before you can eat it. Or, if you are extra hardcore like humans are, you can exert your dominance from afar by having other dudes whose sole job it is to own animals on a daily basis, just so you dont even have to get off your fat arse to even fight it. Meat is so good, that you actually pour the squished remains of other, lesser foods over the top of it, just to supplement the awesomeness of it.

It is the only food that, when combined with bread, (see above), you spend so much time obsessing over which part of this “sandwich” (as they call them) is more awesome, that in some countries, they make you sign a waiver just in case your head explodes.

Alas, even this most noble of foods, kicked to the wayside without a second thought.

But coffee! Ahhh, coffee. Never did it occur to me, not once, that I would have to do without my beloved ebony liquor. In Texas, they call crude oil “black gold”, but that’s because Texans are all crazy. How can oil be gold? Gold is heavy, and commonly found on roller disco jumpsuits, or hanging around the necks of rappers, or covering Master P’s armoured tank division.

If I WAS crazy, however, I would tell that streetlight that it was wrong, because I would be mistaking it for Texas. I would then posit, that coffee is the real black gold in this world.

Unless you add milk, then it’s kinda browny creamy colour.

So, What IS this coffee thing, anyway?

If you can actually read this article, chances are, you have had a coffee today. Unless you are some sort of cyborg monkey developed by the CIA to spy on me. And, in that case, I know that when you overthrow your captors in a couple of weeks on “M-Day”, you will be drinking their coffee too.

Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.

For all the rest of you, coffee is a black, hot liquid that humans need to ingest to live. It comes in several forms – big, small, and espresso, which is sometimes called a short black.
Sometimes the females of the species, in the grips of the madness of the womb, will add something called “milk” to their coffee, so they can see it at night. Milk also comes from the breasts of lactating cow boobies, which reminds them that all women are cows, and that their sole purpose on this world is to reproduce and feed littler humans their own booby juice.

So this addition of milk to their coffee, whilst totally ruining the flavour and consistency of the coffee, serves a religious and spiritual purpose to women, kind of like how men give up masturbating in the lounge room in front of the TV into a bowl of mouldy cereal when they move in with a woman.

On rare occasions, you may see a male of the species putting milk in their coffee. This is because they may have gender confusion issues. While your initial response may be to treat them with derision and contempt, please remember that they are people too, with thoughts and feelings, and although what they are doing may appear strange to you, they still deserve your respect.

With modern medical techniques such as gender reassignment therapy, these people can truly express themselves as the people they are inside.

Coffee originally comes from Arabic countries, where a dude named Moses brought the first beans down from a mountain, after being given them by some big bearded old white guy in the clouds. Despite this, however, everybody still drinks coffee to this day, probably because Italians adopted coffee after stealing it from the Arabs the 15th century. The Arabic nations, admitting defeat, immediately gave up coffee and turned to making another staple of the human diet, Adana kebabs.

After the Italians started drinking coffee, the rest of the world naturally started, because everything Italians do is instantly trendy, and the rest of the world, having no idea what else to do with themselves, just followed along like sheep, unless they be branded “uncool”.

The Spanish, which are basically like Italians but with crappier food, decided that if everyone was going to be drinking coffee now that it was cool, they needed to get in on the action, and start growing some beans.

But it is a well known fact that just across the North Atlantic, the traitorous English were being “jugador hatores”, or “player haters”, and would not easily give up their stranglehold on the hot breakfast beverage market.

The English had just recently rammed a concoction of weak, boiled leaf-water called “tea” down everyone’s throats, which they had imported from China and the orient, and fucked if they were going to give all that up after all the effort they had gone through to make major bank off of it.

And so, seeing their market threatened, the English got everyone’s grandma together and told them to continually scold everyone else until they gave up all this coffee nonsense, grandmas being the major demographic of tea drinkers.

Spanish grandmas, being particularly annoying, caused all the young spaniards, who used to dress up in armour and guns and call themselves “Conquistadores”, to get in their boats and sail west, eventually hitting the New World. Once there, they could start growing beans in peace.

So that’s basically it. Some miscellaneous hating took place along the way from various quarters, and some other unimportant shit happened, but essentially, it all lead to this point.

Gunna drink my coffee nao, so if you would kindly just fuck off then, the history lesson is over.

Tags: coffee, detox, fail