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If you live in Australia and have any interest in local sports, you probably follow one of the two major football codes – Rugby League or Aussie Rules.

For our overseas friends just joining us, Aussie Rules is basically like Netball, except played with weedy guys in tight hotpants who kick the ball instead of throw it, and Rugby League is like Rugby Union except with not as much violence and you are allowed to grab the other team’s balls (its called a squirrel grip, apparently).

Yeah, no wonder Sydney is the gay pride capital of the world.

Football Players

In between news articles about flu pandemics, financial crises, and Idol winners, another staple of the Australian news media is these so-called sports “stars” getting in trouble for feeling up some teenage girl or group masturbating in hotel rooms with their teammates.

Normally I would treat this “news” with the same level of apathy and disdain I hold the rest of the news we get on a daily basis, except for one thing – repeated claims by the sport clubs and the media that the reason this behaviour is “bad” is because these “stars” are apparently “heroes” and “role models” to today’s “youth”*.

Now, I would consider donating a large sum of money to the charity of your choice if someone could actually tell me what the GIBBERING FUCK these retarded bogans have ANYTHING to do with heroism or being a role model to anybody except other retarded bogan football players?

when has any of them ever done anything noteworthy in their lives except play a mediocre sport with fuck all audience worldwide and have group bukkake sessions with ugly westie sluts?

Yet ask your average Australian if he knows who Matthew Johns is, and you will get alot more responses than if you asked who, say, Scipio Africanus is.

Guess which one of these guys -

• Charged a Carthaginian army by himself to save his dad when he was 17 and pulled it off
• Swore at a very young age (like, 8 or something) to dedicate his life to smashing the world superpower of the day into little bits, and motherfucking pulled it off
• When the Senate was going to surrender like little pussies, got together his homies and threatened them all at swordpoint and forced them to swear to continue fighting for Rome
• Volunteered for a suicide mission to Spain when no one else wanted the role, and not only didn’t die, but managed to take over the whole damn country in the face of superior numbers and against the Ivan Drago of the day, Hannibal.
• Wanted to go to Africa to fulfil the vow he made at age 8 (ie smashing Carthage into little bits), but got cockblocked by a jealous senate. Not to be deterred, he raised and trained his own army, invaded Africa, defeated the combined armies of Hannibal and the Numidians with a fraction of their numbers, even when they had elephant cavalry.
• ELEPHANT FUCKING CAVALRY!
• Can you imagine one of these fuckers charging down at you?? Now imagine thousands of them.

That bus shouldn't have mouthed off like that

Now, guess which one of these guys -

• Made anti-gay comments on TV
• screwed some silly New Zealand harlot in a hotel room with his mates
• Did nothing else noteworthy ever.

Calling these football players “heroes” and “role models” just shows how ignorant and morally bankrupt our society is, and is an insult to all those that have come before us.

Call me when one of them kicks arse so hard that they become the scourge of a motherfucking continent, and I will reconsider.

*The quotation marks around “youth” in that last bit shouldn’t really be there.

**Well, if you leave it there, it’s kinda funny, so read into it what you will.

Tags: footy, fucked up, news, rome