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There is something that most people don’t know about me. Just like Wayne Swan, there is a deep dark secret lurking inside me that if it ever got out, chaos would reign.

I am a paragon of cooking. I am like fucking Yoda with a spatula, I am the Mr Myagi of mixing.

I am the culinary equivalent of Ron Jeremy with a cock-mounted laser.

But one dish remains my Achilles heel, my Nemesis, the Team Rocket to my Ash Catchem – the Omelette.

For some reason, I can’t nail the silly fucking dish. I don’t know if its because I put too much shit in it, or I  get the mixture all wrong, or if I undercook it – something this simple should come with a warning about letting kids play with the plastic bag after opening, yet someone with my supposed ability can’t even get it to hold its shape long enough to flip it!

Autoerotic asphyxia is big with the kids these days

It’s embarrassing, kind of like when your mother got really hammered at last years christmas party and gave all the catering staff and waiters blowjobs in the kitchen and came outside to brag about it.

Heh, I am glad I don’t have to pay YOUR therapy bills.

The Perfect Omelette

You would think by now, being the net-savvy superman that I am, I would have actually decided at some point to look a damn recipe up to determine where exactly I am going wrong with this.

But, just like a typical bloke who gets lost while driving, I thought I could figure it out myself.

Now, admitting defeat, I have done my research and determined the following -

1) Don’t put too much shit in it – remember how I said I was putting too much shit in it? I was putting too much shit in it.

2) Don’t beat the eggs – what the fuck kind of silly recipe IS this!?!? EVERYONE knows that you beat eggs when you cook, how the hell was I supposed to know not to beat the eggs?!?!

3) Lube up the pan with some butter/oil – let part of the butter or oil drip back in to the egg mixture. It’s good karma.

4) Flip when almost cooked – EVERYONE knows that a real omelette is actually flipped over when cooked. Well, everyone that counts knows anyway.

Which, if you didnt know that, means that you dont count.

Time to go give it a crack.

UPDATE – just after finishing this blog post, the author put what he had learned into practice. Subsequently, he made an omelette so tasty, so fluffy, that Matt Preston’s head exploded and a whole village of starving african children turned into gigantic alien dinosaurs and devoured a city.

Not pictured - head exploding

Tags: cooking, omelette