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In the 80s, film directors knew how to make a good movie – grab some guy that can bench press a small utility vehicle, give him a enough guns and explosives to outfit an army, throw a whole heap of vaguely foreign looking people at him, and watch the blood fly. Add in some tits, maybe some ninjas, and a super bad ass villain, and you have a blockbuster hit on your hands.

All was right with the world.

Then the 90s came along, and gradually the action film was replaced with a more Brady Bunched, pussy whipped version of itself, as the film industry caved under the weight of political correctness and censorship.

Extra points if you catched the Demolition Man reference

By the time the late 2000s came along, all we have had to look forward to are PG shitfests made by hacks like Michael Bay who make a quick buck by exhuming what was once great and repeatedly having sex with its corpse (see: Die Hard 4)

Although we can forgive Bay SOME things

Luckily, there were a precious few that still kept to the old school. We saw it with the new Rambo movie, the occasional Statham film, and a few of the more modern martial arts movies.

It should come as no surprise that one of the old guard, one of those stalwart bastions of gun-toting kick-arsery, Stallone himself, should singlehandedly revive the action film in its true form with a new movie to be released in 2010 – The Expendables.

The plot should be familiar to any die hard fan of the genre – A conveniently unnamed South American dictator threatens the tenets of peace, democracy, and the right to bear arms of ludicrously high calibre and ballistic penetration. A rag tag group of mercenaries choose to exercise this particular liberty – swiftly and repeatedly into the mewling skulls of hordes of seemingly helpless foreign militia.

Hey, if it aint broke…

It’s a scenario every kid has played out in his head / local playground – John Rambo teams up with Dutch from Predator and John McClane to kick some commie/insurgent arse, along with He-Man and whoever the fuck that weird kid with the runny nose from down the street keeps wanting to be. Well, Stallone must read Santa’s mail, cause it’s pretty fucking evident that he is the only person on this Earth with the testicular fortitude to be able to pull in almost EVERY FUCKING BIG NAME ACTION STAR and putting them in a movie that pretty much plays out like an 80s kid’s wet dream.

Motherfucker, will you just LOOK at this cast list!

Sly Stallone – Rambo himself. Not only does he direct and write the film (or something like that) but after penning the script, he woke up and realised no one is badass enough to star in it but himself.

It’s a given fact that the most recent Rambo movie was just as good as the old ones, and his other recent action stuff isn’t too bad either.

Jason Statham – Crank, Transporter, Death Race – Statham has become one of the best action stars in recent times. Apart from being extraordinarily good at kicking the arse, he also does it while exuding style and class.

Jason Statham is what you would get if you poured a mix of James Bond and Vin Diesel into an Audi and handed him a gun.

Jet Li – Jet Li has made a name for himself by being the most badass short asian guy around – they just stick him on a set and throw guys at him, and let the cameras roll. He can even make Qi Gong, a martial art based on Tai Chi, look badass! He is so good that when they made the movie “The One”, they realised that the only guy that could seriously stand a chance against him in a fight was himself.

Dolph Lundgren – Lundgren is what God had in mind when he created “Awesome” – the fucker has a black belt in everything – both hurtin AND learnin. He took a break from getting doctorates at places like MIT to take up Karate, modelling, and acting. Dolph will put you in a wheelchair, steal your girlfriend, and do your uni thesis for you in the space of 10 minutes.

Mickey Rourke – Rourke was pretty unremarkable until he starred in Double Impact opposite Van Damme. No one expected Rourke to rock more arse than a Hollywood colonic irrigation centre. In fact, he rocked so much arse in that movie, JCVD had to clone himself just to take him down.

Then, of course,  he went on to do movies like Sin City.

Bruce Willis – Bruce has tried to do a few girly films, but he will always have infinite street cred for his role in the Die Hard series, as well as nailing Demi Moore when she was something to look at.

If you don’t love Die Hard 1 and 3 like they were your own children, there is something wrong with you.

And finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger – The Governator himself. Possibly the biggest name on a list of big names, he needs no introduction. He kicked so much arse in the 80s they made him King of the US or something. Take that Chuck Norris!

Apparently Stallone also recruited some some washed up wrestler and some footballer or something to fill some other roles, but DOLPH LUNDGREN BITCHES!!

The only real letdown with the cast here is that it was originally going to be even MORE awesome! Apparently Stallone approached Jean Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes, and Steven Seagal to play parts, but they turned him down due to prior commitments, or because that much awesome in a confined space would divide by zero, or something. On the other hand, its just as well, because then they would have had to make you sign a medical waiver before entering the cinema, and probably only shown it in locations close to hospitals.

Rumour even had it that Brittany Murphy was cast in a role, but her head exploded so hard during shooting, that her PR agent covered it up and declared her death to be from “Natural Causes”. To prevent any other Hollywood starlets depriving the silver screen of their gorgeous breasts by dying, they decided not to cast a replacement, but rather just wrote her character out of the movie.

Ladies and gentlemen – Santa may be old, but he’s not fat, and he’s not jolly. He is a mean motherfucker, ripped to the shithouse, and can smash his fist through your face, grab the back of your head through the hole, and skullfuck you to death. That’s right – Stallone has read all your letters to Santa, and it’s time to deliver your present.

Go on, watch the trailer. Your boss will understand. This movie is going to be so awesome that the usual rules about what you can do in the workplace are suspended.

Tags: arnie, badass, expendables, lundgren, movies, stallone