sorry i havent written to you since your incarceration, but man, things have been really hectic over the past few weeks.
Let me start at the beginning.
This is it, i realised, this is as good as it gets.
blue carpet covered the thin, aluminium siding of the cubicle in a nice, neat, cut out square, like blue grass tended by some office gnome with OCD. I glanced around at my co workers, noting the bored, blank stare in their eyes as they stared at their computer screens. I knew that if I were to get up and look in the bathroom mirror, I would see the same expession in my own.
“Eddie!” hear a shout from 4 cubicles down the line. Ralph, the district supervisor, always calls me “Eddie”.
I am not even sure if he actually knows that isn’t my name.
“Eddie, where is that report, already! I asked for it yesterday!”
Even though it is only 10 o’clock, his breath smells like cheap bourbon. It’s the worst kept office secret that he hides a bottle in the men’s toilet cistern.
“Uhh, sir, its not ready.”
“Why the fuck isn’t it ready?”
“Well, because you asked for it yesterday. You know these things take time, you used to do them yourself”
Used to, indeed. Compiling these reports was one of the jobs Ralph decided was beneath a person of his station, and thus decided since he was so important, he should be allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants. Of course, this consisted of surfing eBAy on his computer, trying to grab the arse of the chick down at the accountancy room, and of course, taking small, frequent trips to the bathroom.
“Well, uhhh, just make sure they are ready for close of business today, OK?”
“Yeah, whatever.”
I stared at Ralph’s back as he sauntered off back to his ebay listing, every step triggering a small seismic shockwave that ripples his back fat as he walked.
“th’ fuck cracker over there want?” says Lee, the guy that sits next to me at work. Lee is a 6″2 skinny white guy with curly blonde hair and glasses. His rake thin frame is always covered in a short sleeve shirt, brown slacks, and whatever hideous bow tie he has pulled from his collection of christmas presents his Grandma has given him over the years. However Lee, for some reason, thinks he is a black cop in a 70s blaxploitation movie.
“Nah, Ralph’s just going off on one of his drunken tirades again. You know how he gets if he hasn’t had a chance to stare at that chick from accounting’s breasts, it gets him all bitchy for some reason.”
“white ass foo wanna stare at some white ass cracker ho, that’s his business. Bitch be frontin’ on my boy live, however, he lucky I don’t drop a bomb on dat nigga!” Lee lets loose a couple of jabs into the air next to my head with a loud high pitched “whapaaaaa!!!”
“SIT THE FUCK DOWN LEE, THIS ISN’T YOUR BALLET CLASS!” comes a shout from Ralph’s cubicle.
Lee looks around crazily for a second, then flops back in his seat.
“‘man always lookin to get a brother down…”
Tired of dealing with the whole situation, I sit back at my desk, and get back to work. If this report isn’t ready by 5pm, I am going to have to endure another one of Ralph’s lectures.
It’s not the lecture I was afraid of, it was having to breathe through my mouth so I don’t accidentally inhale some of his rancid body odour and throw up all over my new suit.
Tapping a few keys at random, all the colours and shapes on my cheap dell monitor started to bleed into each other. the world focussed and convalesced into a single point of light as the absolute brain numbing mediocrity of my life started to seep into my waking conciousness again. Just then, when I thought I would pass out, or fall asleep, or have a brain hemmorhage, i saw a little light blinking on the corner of my monitor. Email, I thought, at least that will distract me for another 30 seconds.
Expecting the usual chain letter or cat picture from one of the old ladies in the office, I opened Outlook.
The lone email in my inbox was not from anyone in particular – just an incomprehensible string of letters and numbers, with no subject heading. I double clicked on the email, which was only a few words long -
Car Park.
10 minutes.
Tell no one.
tell no one. I stared at the screen for a good two minutes before my brain began to process the information. Tell no one. At first, I figured it was one of my friends sending me a prank, but surely they would have left a more detailed message than that? If it wasn’t them, who else would it be?
10 minutes.
I looked at my clock – the email was sent 5 minutes ago. Well, it’s not like i had anything else to do.
I mumbled something about the bathroom to Lee and stood up, ignoring the knowing glances and the drinking motions he was making with his hand. Once I got out of the room, i started to jog to the fire escape and head down to the car park.
As I opened the door to the car park, it slammed behind me with a reverberating clang. It’s funny how no matter what time it is, car parks always make it look like it is 3am.
I strode through the empty lots, not really sure what I was looking for, when towards the back in a dark shadow, I saw the spark of a cigarette being inhaled. A plume of bluish smoke billowing from the shady corner like the tendrils of some diaphanous ghost – looking, searching, for its next victim.
“Come here.”
“Jonas? is that you? Shit dude, how the fuck did you send that email? That was awesome!” I said, thinking it was my friend Jonas.
“Not Jonas. Come here.”
“You shittin me.”
I decided to walk over to the shadowy figure. What the hell, I thought, I was pretty fit and a reasonably big guy myself, if this was some sort of mugging, the dude was in for a rude shock.
“Glad you could make it. We have been watching you.”
“Okay. You got me. Who are you, and what is this about?”
“Who I am doesn’t matter. I have something important to tell you, and it is going to be pretty hard for you to accept.” As the figure took a drag of his cigarette, the spark temporarily illuminated the space around him. His craggy features offset his terse, angular face, his presumably expensive suit pristinely ironed and pressed, hair immaculately styled and gelled.
“Bullshit who you are doesn’t matter – tell me how you know who I am, or I am headed back upstairs.” I half turned to leave, as if to illustrate my point.
The speed of the middle aged man as he suddenly grabbed the front of my shirt and pressed his glock to my temple was impressive.
“Listen to me! You don’t know what you are fucking with here kid. You will listen, and you will pay attention, or I will empty half this clip into the side of your head right now, and no one will be the wiser. And trust me, I WILL be walking out of here.” I hesitate a glance to my side, and notice the steely glint of the silencer he has attached to the end of his pistol.
This guy is into some serious shit.
“Alright mate, you obviously have me on this one, I will behave. Just put the gun away, alright?” I said confidently, hoping that my voice didnt betray the fear I was feeling.
“Wise move.”
The glock disappeared into his coat, replaced by the cigarette he had been holding in his mouth.
“There is no easy way to say this, so I am just going to come out an say it. Someone in your office is an alien. We know it isn’t you, which is why I am telling you this. We need your help to find out who it is.”
“Uhhh, excuse me?? Someone is a WHAT?”
“An alien.”
“You serious?!?” I scoffed, thinking it was some kind of prank after all.
“Do i LOOK like i’m joking, motherfucker!?!” hisses the man, reaching back into his coat. I saw where he was coming from pretty quickly.
“Yeah man, whatever, theres an alien. Just leave the gun alone, hey?”
“Okay.” he folds his coat back in place, and takes another drag of his cigarette. It is almost down to the butt now. “Listen up. You are just going to have to believe me for now. Just accept that we know everything about you, we know who you are, what you do, where all your friends and family live, and we won’t hesitate to wipe all the motherfuckers out if you breathe a word of this to anyone. Do you understand?”
“Uhh, sure, yeah, no worries about that.”
“I said – do you understand? Say yes i understand.”
“y…yes I understand”
“Good. Now we are going to inject you with this. It is a pheromone-reactant mutagen which will enable you to pick up on the scent the alien is excreting. It is normally undetectable to humans, but we have worked out a way around it. After this shot, you should be able to smell the alien when it’s close.”
Too scared to protest, I meekly proffered my arm to the man, who produced a syringe full of a blue, viscous fluid, which he expertly injected into my arm. “Once you smell the alien, head back to your desk, reply to that email I sent you, tell us who it is, then head back down here as soon as you won’t arouse any suspicion. We will have someone waiting to extract you.”
“Then what will happen?”
“That’s none of your concern. Don’t worry, none of your friends will be harmed.” To be honest, I thought, I don’t really care if any of them DO get hurt.
Rubbing the small hole in my arm, I asked the strange figure “So, what do aliens smell like, exactly?”
“Strawberries.” came the clipped reply.
“Strawberries? They don’t smell like ammonia, or something revolting, they smell like strawberries?”
“Of COURSE they dont, you idiot! The shit I just injected into your arm will make it seem like it smells like strawberries. We can’t have you screwing up your face halfway through the conversation and giving our little secret away, can we?”
“That makes sense, I guess.”
The man flicks his now spent cigarette into the distance in reply, and immediately lights another one.
“Now go. Do the rounds, act like nothing is wrong, and get back here when you can. I will be waiting.”
After his reply, the man turns around and walks off to where an unmarked black van is waiting in the distance. The only evidence that the conversation ever took place is the slight pain in my arm, the glowing butt of the discarded cigarette, and the faint smell of smoke in the air.
I head back to the stairs to do what he said. After all, what else can I do?
Chapter 2
Its amazing how much the human body can sweat when its sitting there doing nothing.
Still shaken from the weird encounter with the guy in the carpark, not to mention having a glock pressed to my temple for most of it, I cant help but glance around at my co workers. Maybe, just maybe, it was some sort of boredom induced hallucination? It wouldnt be the first time a cubicle worker has drifted off to sleep at his post and started getting all delusional – perhaps the mind numbing tedium is to blame for these flights of fancy?
Of course, I would have to ignore the red mark on my temple, the residual smell of cigarette smoke, and the slightly damp feeling in my trousers, but better than the alternative, hey?
Just as I had started to convince myself that I somehow made it all up. a sultry voice murmurs from behind me.
“hey, you. You look tense.”
Just Lisa from Accounting. Since her boyfriend dumped her over something to do with a roll of cellotape and an ice cream van, it’s probably the worst kept office secret that she is on the hunt for a new man. Being one of the only single guys in the office, I seem to have the dubious pleasure of being on her hit list. Normally the attention would be nice, except that she looks like a sasquatch that’s been stuffed into a dress several sizes too small for her, face smeared with a drum full of too much makeup, and made to run a marathon. Normally you can smell Lisa coming soon enough to get the fuck out of dodge, but as her pudgy fists encircle my shoulders and kneads them like week old dough (in what she deceptively refers to as an “afternoon pick me up”), I notice that this time, I did not seem to detect that telltale trace of body odour.
“Hey Lise. Finally get around to having a shower this week?” I said. She giggles as if I was joking.
I was not joking.
“You’re soooo tense! You know, I can’t really do a proper job on you here, why don’t you come over to the break room and lie down for a bit, hmmm?” she invites.
Supressing a shudder, I take a deep breath, noticing that I had started to blank out. A trace of her cheap body spray slowly filters into my nostrils.
It smells familiar.
“So, I was thinking, what’cha up to this weekend? I thought maybe you and me could catch that new Drew Barrymore flick that just came out. What do you say?”
That smell… “Huh?” I reply.
“You know, movies? popcorn? It doesn’t have to be like a date or nothing, it can be just like two friends hanging out, you know?”
Smells like….
“Nah, I have plans with Lee this weekend. Sorry Lise” I reply.
“Whatchu talkin bout Willis?!? I’m watchin’ dat Bruce Lee Marathon all weekend!” Lee’s voice rings from the next cubicle, ruining my quickest and easiest way out of a sticky situation.
Strawberries.
She smells like strawberries.
“Oh, that’s nice then! You can come spend time with me!!”
My blood runs cold. Her rough, ham-fisted massage takes a sinister edge, the cheap nails seem to grow against my shoulders, like talons. The world seems to focus into a tiny speck of light, my face flushes as my hackles rise.
Strawberries.
Frantically, I glance around for a way out. Purely on reflex, my hand closes over the industrial-strength stapler I had been using on a pile of documents not 10 minutes earlier.
Time to make my move.
With superhuman strength born of desparation, I mightily swing the stapler around in an arc and feel a satisfying crack as it connects with the side of Lisa’s temple. Such is the force of my swing that she instantly crumples to the ground.
I kick my chair backwards and rush to my feet, stapler at the ready. Dozens of wide eyes stare up at me.
“Wh…What did you do TO LISE!?!?” Screams Anna from across the room as she shambles towards me.
Can’t be taken alive, there might be more.
Dropping the stapler, I heave my office chair overhand and watch it sail towards Anna. The chair crashes into her legs and sends her sprawling on the floor amidst screams and curses.
The office erupts in chaos. People start shouting and screaming as I head towards the stairs at a dead run. I’m not going to hang around here and wait for more aliens to show up, I think to myself. Taking the stairs three at a time, I fly down the stairwell, floor numbers counting down as I try desperately to get back to the dubious safety of the carpark, and my mysterious benefactor. As I run for my life, a profound change starts to come over me. I reacted with blind panic up in the office, but now, that combination of fear and adrenaline is gradually replaced with a white hot fire that slowly starts to fill me. This strange, life altering sequence of events has secretly revealed to me what I have been waiting for all these years, without knowing it. Pure, unadulterated rage focuses my thoughts, filling my field of vision with a bright, pulsating red light. No alien menace is going to take ME alive, I will tear them apart with my bare hands first.
Just as I make my resolution, I crash head first into a wall of solid flesh and white shirt.
“Freeze!” building security has responded in record time, and is pointing his gun at me. Without a moment’s hesitation i frantically flail out with my right fist, and connect with the guard’s jaw. He goes down like a sack of potatoes.
Grimly, I bend down and pick up his firearm.
Hearing steps behind me, I turn around just in time to see Ralph coming out of the bathroom, a sneer permanently affixed to his face.
“Eddie? What are you doi…”
Ralph is stopped short from completing his sentence as a hail of bullets buries itself in his massive chest.
As Ralph hits the floor, I burst through one of the doors and into a convenient stationery closet. CHRIST, that feels good! I mumble to myself as I catch my breath. THIS is what it feels like! THIS is what it feels like to be the hunter, to be in control! Tearing off the remains of my bloody, tattered shirt, I stand there bare chested and vow to head right on back up those stairs and murder every one of those motherfucking aliens until not a single one remains to breathe terran air! I start to scream and chant wildly as I grab a thick highlighter from a shelf and start to draw strange designs on my face and chest with it. My blood sings a song of battle and fire as I prepare for the hunt, armed with the nearly-spent pistol in one hand, a broken table leg in the other.
I kick down the door of the stationery cupboard, randomly emptying the pistol into the crowd as I flail all around me with the table leg. A chant comes unbidden to my lips as wave after wave of terrified office worker falls to my lunatic strength. My vision is blurred, the salty tang of sweat and blood calling me to arms once more, monitors and chairs and folders and all manner of office detritus becomes a weapon, finding their targets with jarring force.
I sprint at full force around a corner when suddenly, a searing white hot pain shoots across my vision, and the world goes black.
Light gradually creeps back into my vision as i slowly open my eyes, a sharp pain emanating from the middle of my face where my nose was broken. I struggle to get up until I realise that I am chained to a radiator.
“Gave us a quite a scare there, son” a voice drawls.
“Wh…what happened?”
“You got knocked out. You feelin’ okay?” A man in a grey jumpsuit appears, pushing a broom. The Janitor.
“Yeah…uhhh…. did the aliens get away?” I try to shake away the cobwebs in my head as I look around.
“Aliens?!?” he scoffs, laughing raucously, “no aliens here, friend, just ol’ Benny here!” The Janitor finishes cleaning the window and opens it, a chilly gust of wind blows in.
“Say, you want me to call anyone for you? Wife? Parents?”
“Nah, I got no one. Benny, how did I end up here? Why am I chained up? Can you let me go?”
“No one, you say?”
An evil glint comes to Benny’s eyes as he focusses his gaze on me. Another gust of wind drifts by, bringing a hint of cleaning fluid mixed with another scent.
Strawberries.
A flood of urgent fear shoots through my body like lightning, as Benny grins in anticipation. The last thought I have as Benny’s razor-sharp, chitinous claws start to rend me to pieces is that I will never actually get to see who wins this season’s Australian Idol.
So yeah mate, as you can see, I have been pretty busy. I hope
============
Hey mate,Here it is. My letter! Finally!
Sorry I haven’t written to you since you went to the slammer bro, but man, things have been really hectic over the past few weeks.
How you been? Are they treating you well? Started any fights yet? Dropped the soap?
Shit’s pretty good with me, apart from being absolutely flat out, what with the aliens and all.
Let me start at the beginning.