The late afternoon sun drenches the surface of the water to the sound of waves crashing against the pristine surf. Tropical birds trill out a complex harmony, almost as a counterpoint to the steady, gentle splashes made by a young Hawaiian woman, as she idly swims through the surf. Suddenly, a long, well proportioned form surges out of the surf next to her. The column of spray reveals a giant of a man, over two metres tall, with a great mane of shaggy brown curls and the most ridiculous pair of tight, blue shorts seen this side of Boogie Nights.
The eye, slowly but surely, drift to focus on his moustache. That huge, proud, indomitable moustache that sticks out like a badge of honour in the middle of his face. With a boyish grin that belies his huge size and masculinity, the man turns to the woman and murmurs some unintelligible words to her.
Unintelligible, not due to some property of distance or ambience, but unintelligible in the way that you may have trouble deciphering the squeal of a chipmunk hopped up on helium, being strangled by a mob hitman and repeatedly bashed in the testicles.
Close enough.
This scene was an all too familiar fixture on prime time TV in the 80s, when the show Magnum PI could claim dominance. People were innocent enough to look past the formulaic, bite-sized “mysteries”, vaguely racist stereotypes, and subtle gay overtones to become enraptured by a world of Ferraris, tropical sun, and body hair.
Tom Selleck truly was king of the small screen in those days.
Which is why, as I sit here bored on a rainy day, watching a daytime rerun of Magnum PI, I suddenly noticed that tim Selleck has a REALLY high voice.
It's probably the tight shorts.
It’s not just high for his size, which has to be at least 6 foot 5, but high for anybody. Now, I was blessed with a deep, manly baritone of a voice that has only improved with age, despite a lifetime of hard liquor, smoking, and general abuse, and I can’t even claim a significant portion of his size – I top out at roughly 5′10.
The funny thing is, he HAS been in several other shows, and I can’t for the life of me picture him having a high voice in any of the others.
He is also a member of the NRA
Did he have a voice lift? Can we even do that these days, mess around with the timbre and pitch of someones vocal cords like so many autotuned Kanye West singles? If so, has anyone addressed the moral, ethical, and legal issues that may arise from such a profound alteration? More importantly, what the fuck is this post really about? All I had to say was adequately covered in the heading, with the rest a thinly veiled excuse to wax lyrical on soft gay porn and a treatise on how manly my voice is. Is the intoxicating combination of boredom, bad daytime tv, and an iPhone really all that’s needed to spew forth such a cavalcade of meaningless shit that would, quite frankly, been better off as another one of my inane stories or blundering attempts at humour?
I think I’ll go kill myself now.
Tags: iphone, tom selleck, voice
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